INDECENT RUBBING MAY CAUSE PREGNANCY
Forget the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre. You shouldn’t go to Paris without visiting Pere Lachaise cemetery. Not only is it a tree lined island of tranquillity from which to escape the throngs of tourists, it is inhabited, if one can use that word, by some fascinating characters from history. Edith Piaf, Oscar Wilde and Frederic Chopin are all buried there and the list of famous characters goes on and on.
One of the most famous graves belongs to a man named Victor Noir who was a journalist of no great distinction up until the time of his death in January of 1870. Noir’s editor had just been challenged to a duel by Prince Pierre Bonaparte, great nephew of Napoleon Bonaparte and cousin to Emperor Napoleon III, Emperor of France at the time. The editor requested that Noir act as one of his seconds and in that role he should not only accept the challenge, but that he also make arrangements for the duel to take place. Accounts get a little hazy about this stage, but after arriving at the Prince’s home to make preparations, angry words were exchanged and Pierre Bonaparte drew a pistol and fired the fatal shot which killed Victor Noir.
The killing came at a time when there was already considerable political tension in France and the death of the journalist became a rallying point for the republican movement who declared him a martyr. The deceased suddenly went from being a small time journalist to having a funeral which was attended by 100 000 people. His posthumous brush with fame might have ended there but in 1891 the decision was taken to move his corpse from his home town to the Pere Lachaise cemetery. Even then it was becoming accepted that famous people should be interned in Paris’s largest cemetery. Renowned artist Jules Dalou was commissioned to make the statue which would cover the tomb. Using bronze, he cast Noir in the exact position that he had dropped after being shot, even going as far as to include the man’s fallen hat lying next to him. For reasons that have never become clear, Dalou chose to portray Noir as having a large bump in his trousers which soon drew the man back into the public eye.
Rumours soon began to circulate that touching the bump could bring about miracles ranging from better orgasms to increased fertility. Soon the tomb was being visited, not only by the women of Paris but also by devotees from more distant parts of the world. Visitors ranged from the likes of Vivienne Westwood to Dita Von Teese, the self- proclaimed Queen of Burlesque who once featured on the cover of Playboy magazine. The statue has now weathered to a dull green patina with the exception of the lips, the toes of the shoes and, of course, the crotch area. Constant touching has ensured that these parts are all polished and as shiny as the day the statue was made. The grave is regularly used as a photoshoot and it is not unheard of to find it covered in scantily clad models. Several French perfumers also produce Victor Noir colognes and perfumes.
The various myths surrounding the grave all differ somewhat, but general consensus seems to be that touching the right foot can lead to pregnancy and touching the left produces twins. Kissing the lips will enable a single lady to find the man of her dreams whilst rubbing against the crotch improves the quality of orgasm. Grateful visitors regularly leave flowers in Noir’s hat and, occasionally, photos of the children produced after a celebrated rubbing has been successful.
You may choose to write this story off as an old French fable, but in 2004 authorities were concerned enough about what was going on at the tomb to fence it off to the general public. They added a sign that read “Any damage caused by graffiti or indecent rubbing will be prosecuted.” Parisian women were outraged and protests were planned along with threats to tear down the fence. Recognizing that they were probably about to fight a losing battle, the authorities took the fence down of their own accord and today you can still get close enough to Victor Noir to help keep his story alive. Let me know the results.
